i stared at my weapons of choice, figuring out which is sharper than the other. should i be using my regular pen knife, or should i try my paring knife? i asked myself.

thoughts ran through my head ... would it feel as good as it did before? could it heal before i go to bangkok? would anyone find out? has it been 11 months since i did it?

i dropped a few ice cubes into my cup and poured mandarin vodka into it. whilst drinking it slowly, i took out my photo albums, flicking it slowly, reminiscing the past was the hardest thing to do. i hated it as much as i loved it.

whilst doing that, my mind lost track and forgot about cutting myself. i slowly put the knives back into where they belong and started to write this.

im suppose to be studying but here i am, stuck in God knows what state of mind. i just need to fall in love again. really fall in love.

i wish i was dead. i dont care if there are better things that lies ahead of me. i just dont want to go through this whole emotion crap again. it sucks. it sucks. it sucks. it sucks.

rick.